jlo_kine's Xanga

Friday, September 05, 2008

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:31:51 GMT

Today, for some reason, this has been on my mind

"Accept the things I can't change, change the things I can't accept"

so i looked it up thinking I've heard it from somewhere before and that I didnt come up with it by myself. And as expected, it's something i've heard before. It came from a quote by Saint Francis.

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."

As I was pondering on my version during the day, I wondered, "is it possible that i cant change the things i cant accept? and then accept the fact that i just said that?" and I also thought, "how do i know the difference? what if there's something that's really unchangeable, i go and try to change and what if there's something changeable and i feel that it's unchangeable so i dont try to change it?"

i guess in saying all that i just said, there's two things that i lack that's revealed in the original quote: wisdom to know the difference, and courage.

so i really dont have a conclusion to all my thoughts, i wish someone would just come out and tell me what i should/shouldnt do...

another thing i've been pondering is God said if i draw closer to Him, He'll draw closer to me (James 4:8)... God, why do You want me to make the first move?
In a fog, two things can happen in order to get out of it... 1) i walk out or 2) i wait for the fog to lift... God, can You make (2) happen so I can see You clearly again?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 05:02:27 GMT

i've been having a thought in my head...

i don't know whether it's a need or a want...

but i need/want to be an introvert....

or at least more of one than who i currently am...

maybe by being so, i'll b less vulnerable...

My Kite will fly

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 04:24:50 GMT

I pray, o Lord, that You'll take this time to weave my String with me
To teach me and guide me, one stroke at a time.
Allow it to reach unimaginable lengths
To reach incredible heights.

Grant me faith
So I may expect greatness from You
Grant me patience
To wait upon the Kite that I know You've prepared for me

You are the Master painter
You are taking the time to carefully design this Kite for me
To ensure that this Kite will fly high up in Your heavens
With the String that You are weaving with me.

The Kite will be glad
Because it knows it is beautiful and perfect
Because it knows the String is carefully prepared for it
Because it knows it won't drop for You provide the wind

And when all is said and done,
You will look upon with gladness and say,
"It was good."
And everyone around will look upon in awe and see that it was You all along.

- Johnny Lo
June 30, 2008

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:01:10 GMT

I'm sorry...

Where I want to be...

Mon, 26 May 2008 03:12:00 GMT

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word You say
And even if You don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to You breathing
Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's You?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word You say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Your door and listen to You breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from You
Bet You're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off Your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

Lifehouse --- Breathing

Why I can't be Jesus

Wed, 21 May 2008 04:24:43 GMT

So bridging from my last blog about being emotionally drained, several thoughts have been running around in my head. Most notably, thoughts as to why I am still single.

For those that watched WongFu's "Just a Nice Guy", I would consider myself to fall under such category, and this has been confirmed by those around me. I am the guy who'd open doors for you, listen to you if you have problems, fix things for you (if i know how), do you favours, you name it... pretty much whatever I am capable of doing and available to do so, I'd do it.... and with that, I secure my spot on the "friend ladder" of most girls, if not all girls.

Then I started to think, "hmm, I need to learn to be not a 'nice guy', I need to learn to be a jerk" 'cause, let's face it, girls ask, "why are all the good guys taken??" or "why can't i find a good guy" when in reality they like jerks and they like guys who are "dangerous". Maybe then, I can get a girlfriend.

Then my mind started to drift about my spiritual life. I think about myself and how I am at work. I am simply “nice”. I talk to patients with respect, I help them with their needs, I speak with genuine concern for their health. And that’s all great and “nice”. But when sometimes we get onto the topics of faith, and learning that they are of another religion, I say, “o, I see” then I either get asked what my religion is or there is just silence. This is the reason why I can’t be Jesus. I am too “nice”. My unwillingness to make others think twice about their faith and my lack of courage to share my own makes me unlike Jesus.

Jesus is not a typical “nice guy”. He left the throne in heaven and came to convict and speak Truth into our lives. He challenged authorities. He challenged false teachers. He was out there making bold statements and taking a stand for the Kingdom. He didn’t come to please us. Would a nice guy flip over tables of those selling things outside the temple in anger? Would a nice guy tell you that you are at risk of going to hell because you have anger against someone in your heart? He healed on the Sabbath and it was controversial to do so. He ate with tax collectors and prostitutes not to support and accept them in what they do, but to tell them what they are doing is wrong.

That is what I lack, the courage to correct and rebuke, to take a stand for God and His righteousness. The idea of respect has been so diluted. Living in the North American society, we are taught to respect each other and whatnot. While that’s great and all, I believe we need to respect the Creator of our world even more and how can we not?! I mean, He’s the God of the universe! He spoke our world into being!

In saying all this, don’t misunderstand me. I am not a protestor. I am taught and commanded to hate the sin but love the sinner. And I am also taught to pray for them. And with that, I need to go out, learn, and continue to practice. I need to learn to exercise courage, learn to be not just a “nice guy” not because I want a girlfriend, but because I want to be more Christ-like.

Tired...

Wed, 14 May 2008 03:07:57 GMT

So I titled this blog "Tired"...

I m guessing now i m suppose to proceed and explain y and how i am tired...

I've just been emotionally, physically, spiritually taxed lately...

yes "taxed"... y taxed? cause my energy bars from those 3 aspects r being drained bit by bit... like taxation! it takes a percentage out of me every so often.... and i m now spent...

lately, my mind's been pacing... and my heart feels heavy... just constantly... not like i cant sleep but.. it's just what's going on... there r things i think about... a lot of things... or maybe not a lot of things.. just a lot of things regarding certain aspects or events...

this has been reflected in my demeanor... i dont go to work w/ the same cheerful smile... and when i do smile, i somehow dont feel as though i really wanna be smiling at that time...

it's not really a random feeling... i know exactly what my mind runs on and on about... so it's just been taking a toll on me as of late... somehow, i feel this is the most real i've expressed myself thru my blog...

i pray, i sing "Still" in hopes to find refuge... but nothing... so i keep praying.. i still feel peace... probably that's y i still get a good 6-7 hrs of sleep every night...

physically, been playing softball for 2 days, and wasnt really in the mood when i was playing caused by the pacing mind and the heavy heart.. and then my elbow decided to act up again... it picked up where it left off last season... at least this yr i get free therapy... and i volunteer at a sports clinic... so that's being taken care of...

spiritually, starting to see a big problem... surprisingly House (the show, not the guy) shed this light on me... the nun w/ the allergic reaction to her copper thingy said somethiing to the lines that it's better to be angry with God than not, because u cant be angry with a being u dont believe exist...
so i see that it's been a major problem with me..... because i think God would rather me cry to Him or yell at Him, than to just accept Him for who He is and all those other "textbook" qualities about Him.... and i've kind of fallen into that "trap"... and my service to Him, seems like it's coming wave after wave.... i always say i m "burnt out" but i probably dont do enough for Him in the first place.... i guess this is where i need to re-evaluate myself....

alright.. so i m rushed by someone important.. i guess i'll call it a blog....

Feelin' like..

Fri, 09 May 2008 03:35:41 GMT

speechless...

Tue, 06 May 2008 00:31:46 GMT

...

One Last Breath of Praise

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 04:28:11 GMT

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away."
                                                                                                                            - Anonymous

So I went to two hospitals within this week, I went to them to visit two ailing individuals, one from a car accident, the other, age....

Coming out from each visit, I had different thoughts going through my mind...

From my first visit, it was my visit with a friend's grandmother..
She takes a pretty special place in my heart. She was the one who "took me in" every time when I didn't have home to go back to, cause being in elementary school and jr high, I can't remember the amount of times I've forgotten my keys in my "other" pants. So every time if that happens, I'd go over to my friend's house and she'd open the door to me and feed me.

I was with her for about two hours, from what I was told prior to my visit, she was in pretty bad shape and that's why i decided to visit her ahead of schedule... and to all of our surprise, when i got there, she recognized me!! the incident kinda went, (in her weakness), " who's that? is that johnny?" i was like wow! i don't know what i felt at that point, there was just a rush of feelings.... later on, we were taking pictures with her because it was the best she's been in some time... and in the mist of "hey take a pic with him/her/so and so" she went, "johnny leh (where's johnny)? come over and take picture together" i think from what i gather, this was the first time we had a picture together... it was a pretty overwhelming feeling.. just being recognized and remembered by someone in her state at the moment... some time during my visit, she expressed that she wanted to get up and get out a bit but we all new she was too weak... and discouraged her to do so... slowly, we started to break and asked for a wheel chair and asked a nurse whether it was ok who then further reminds us that it's not because the sitting upright position will put a stress to her system.. knowing well (coming from kinesiology background) what the body has to overcome just to be upright, i took the stance of the nurse and discouraged the action as well. but since i left the hospital, i just thought about the quote at the beginning of this blog.

we have no problem saying and living by that quote when we dont know how many more breaths we can take but we know, whole-heartedly, that we'll still be around for the next breath... that's y we plan all these trips and adventures to experience "moments that take our breaths away"...
but given her situation, where just taking another breath is a moment that takes her breath away, where breathing itself becomes another 9-5 job she cant stand, where the next breath feels like she just ran a mile, where the next breath could be her last...

Do we still take that risk?

All she wanted to do was to see the dogs play. All she wanted to do was to enjoy, see, and appreciate the beauty of God's creations. All she wanted to do was be wheeled out and about and away from that room and away from that position.

We discouraged it.

Why? So her heart can beat another beat. So her blood can flow around once more.   So she can breathe another breath. And at that moment, life IS measured by the number of breaths she takes.

Personally, I don't know how I'd feel if I encouraged the action and God calls her home because of it. I'd probably regret it. I'd probably ask a bunch of "what if.." questions. I'd probably kick myself. I'd probably avoid seeing my friend again. Even though, I am convinced she'd be singing among the angels and worshiping in purity.

I, for one, am not shy when it comes to the topic of death because it's the inevitable. But when I am in front of one who's relatively closer to it, I don't know how to address the reality of what's to come.

As for my second visit, it was my mom's cousin. He was hit by a vehicle turning left as he was crossing the road. Ambulance came. He fell unconscious. But when he regained consciousness, he heard sirens, so I assume it wasnt too long after. Right now, he's in the hospital. He cant be upright because he fractured some bone around his shoulder joint and the weight of his arm will cause some pain as the bones separate.
But when I saw him, there was hope. Maybe because his injuries weren't life threatening or maybe he just has really high pain tolerance. He's 70 yr. old. But he seemed to be in less pain than some of the patients I've been treating at the clinic and he was getting a good amount of sleep (11-7) where as my patients, even weeks/months after their accident, they still experience insomnia and headaches and dizziness. In spite of the state he is in, he remembers and looks forward to the events to come. His son, in San Francisco, coming to see him, His daughter, from Hong Kong, coming to see him. Taking his daughter to Missisauga via the TTC. There was much hope as I saw him.
His wife was full of praise, and for good reason. But sometimes it makes me wonder, would she still be full of praise if the unfortunate were to happen? To take it out of her context, could we be full of praise if the not-so-fortunate happened to us? And to us, a rejection from a job, an F, losing a relationship, being swampped by work are some of our "life-threatening" experiences.

Job, a man described by God to be "blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." He was tested by the LORD. Satan took away all his possessions and his children, every last one of them. In Job 1:20, it is written,

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
       "Naked I came from my mother's womb,
       and naked I will depart. [c]
       The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
       may the name of the LORD be praised."

Our attitude should be that of Job. Praise the Lord under every circumstance. And I, at the moment, praise the Lord for the mysteries to come as I face life head on. With that in mind, I really need to stop complaining about not knowing what's gonna happen for school.